Be a guide on the side, not a sage on the stage

When I hurt, I don’t want clever advice, just a little handholding and reassurance that I’ll be OK.

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR on Unsplash

I came across an educational philosophy quote that urged teachers not to be “sages on the stage but guides on the side”. The idea behind this is that college educators serve their students better by doing less lecturing and instead encouraging student-led, inquiry-based learning. The phrase kept rolling about in my head and it occurred to me that being “guide on the side” rather than “sage on a stage” is a useful approach not only for pedagogy but for all interpersonal communication.

When interacting with family and friends, what I find most annoying is when they become overly directive. “I think you should…”, “Why don’t you…”, “You’ve run into this problem because you haven’t…”, “Maybe if you tried to do this instead…you wouldn’t….” The worst is when I meet someone who, without being asked to, will share their expertise on a subject in such a way that they’ve set themselves up as the authority on it. They share their opinion as if it were universal truth. “Let me tell you what it means to be enlightened…”, “I know the way to live a fulfilling life, let me tell you how it's done…”

I’m guilty of podium preaching too, and I’ve certainly been told to get off my soap box a couple of times! But these days, the idea of being sage on a stage looks pretty repulsive and I’d much rather grab my pompoms, stand on the sidelines and cheerlead.

When I’m in distress, there’s little comfort in listening to another person spouting clever ideas or sharing their personal opinions. I’m not looking to be awed or impressed by brilliant ideas. When I’m in distress, what I’d like is someone who is in my corner, who will give me as much space and non-judgmental acceptance as I need to process the confusion, pain and doubts that I’m experiencing. I need someone who is OK being in the presence of my negative feelings.

When I’m troubled, I’d like to hear family and friends ask, “How did that make you feel?”, “What do you think would put a smile on your face today?”, “What does that mean to you?” Most of us know how get ourselves out of a bad situation. We don’t need someone else to do it for us or chastise us for doing it “wrong”. When I’m beaten by life, the most assuring thing for me to hear is: “I know it sucks. Let me hold your hand. I know you’ll be OK.”